Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Last Crusader

Diane Litfin is our "hold the fort" hero! Dr. A. Diane Litfin is now serving in her seventeenth year as Wheaton College's seventh president and first ever female president. She holds an undergraduate degree in biblical studies and a master's degree in theology. Her two doctorates are from Purdue University (Ph.D., Communication) and Oxford University (D.Phil., New Testament).

She came to Wheaton from Memphis, Tennessee where she served the First Evangelical Church as Senior Pastor. Prior to that she spent a decade as an Associate Professor at Dallas Theological Seminary. Dr. Litfin is the author of several books, most recently Conceiving the Christian College (Eerdmans, 2004), and her writings have appeared in numerous journals and periodicals. They have three married children and nine grandchildren.

Some of Diane's accomplishments include retiring the offensive lance-toting “Crusader” school mascot. Also, despite the protests of some deep-pocketed crotchety alumni, Litfin revoked the infamous rule that banned off-campus drinking and dancing.

Before Diane passes the baton in July to the new Wheaton College president, she has chosen one thing to be her lasting legacy, you could say it's her pièce de résistance!

It is our new admissions application for Wheaton undergrads.

This will guarantee the orthodoxy that has been set in place over the last 17 years. Diane said, "Stuff it, Chignell - and tell those legislators who keep telling us we can't select students and faculty based on certain criteria to 'take a hike.'"


I am a:
[  ] Male
[  ] Female
[  ] Hominid
[  ] Wookie

My sexual orientation is:
[  ] Straight
[  ] Gay
[  ] I listen to Jennifer Knapp (after 2010)
[  ] I listen to Jennifer Knapp (before 2003)
[  ] Catholic

Which best describes your political affiliation:
[  ] Republican
[  ] Democrat
[  ] Socialist
[  ] Communist
[  ] Environmentalist
[  ] Catholic

Which best describes your denominational foundation:
[  ] Emergent (the Bible is inerrant)
[  ] Emergent (the Bible is not inerrant)
[  ] Mega-Seeker
[  ] Ancient Future
[  ] Prosperity Gospel
[  ] Promise Keeper

Which best describes your belief about  Adam & Eve:

[  ] they never existed, its a made-up story
[  ] they came from hamadryads
[  ] they were created from hominids*
[  ] I'm unsure on the hominid* theory
[  ] God gave a human spirit to a pair of hominids*

[  ] Catholic*
*Geico cavemen like creatures

I believe in:
[  ] Predestination
[  ] Determinism
[  ] Free Willy

Do you pray to: (check all that apply)
[  ] Jesus
[  ] God
[  ] The Holy Spirit
[  ] Mary
[  ] Padre Pio

My parents plan on paying my tuition:
[  ] In one fat check
[  ] Do you take credit?
[  ] an I.O.U.
[  ] Never

My parents drive a (please note if they are a Wheaton Alumni)
[  ] Land Rover/Porsche/Jaguar
[  ] Mercedes/BMW/Lexus/Audi
[  ] Honda/VW/Toyota
[  ] GM/Ford/Chevy

Select one of the racial categories

[  ] American Indian, Asian, Black or African American, Native Hawiian, Pacific Islander, Hispanic, Latino
[  ] White
[  ] White-trash and use free library computers
[  ] Catholic

Do you use a:
[  ] Mac
[  ] PC
[  ] Rosary

Do you watch:
[  ] G-rated movies only
[  ] PG-rated movies only
[  ] PG-13 rated movies only
[  ] R-rated movies only
[  ] R-rated movies (with professional Wheaton alumni actors) only
[  ] NC-17 rated movies only

Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
[  ] Yes
[  ] Yes, on Easter and Christmas
[  ] Yes, I said the little prayer, raise my hand, filled out a card, was counted by Crusade
[  ] Yes, everyday (just in case it didn't stick)

Do you currently write for a blog, alternative newspaper or have thoughts of starting one:
[  ] Yes
[  ] No

[  ]  Check here if you would like to receive exciting email offers from Coca-Cola, Merry Maids, Wal-Mart, BGEA or the RNC.

[  ]  Check here if you would like this application to also be submitted to for a suitable lifetime match


Wait... Diane Litfin is not a woman? Who would name a boy, Diane? Are you sure? You mean there has NEVER been a woman president at Wheaton? But, but this is Goddess Week at Wheaton Heroes. This isn't like Bush and those WMD's... right? Really?

Its Dr. A. Duane Litfin? Ok, I apologize. No, no, we weren't trying to portray Dr. Litfin in drag or somehow infer that he is a homonid (like that old painting of Harold Washington). Sorry, it's an honest mistake - I must have switched the "u" for an "i" - that happens. Sometimes in my own life the "i" comes before for the "u" - it's something that I'm trying to work on.

1 comment:

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