Thursday, April 29, 2010

Starting Over

Cathi Falsani is our Dudette hero! Cathleen Falsani '92 is the award-winning liberal religion columnist and author of The God Factor, the memoir Sin Boldly, The Dude Abides and the forthcoming The Thread: Rediscovering Faith and Friendship on Facebook. Falsani is a columnist for the nationally syndicated Religion News Service as well as a columnist and contributing editor at the bastion of liberalist ideas known as Sojourners Magazine.

Falsani is an alumnia of Wheaton College in Illinois, and holds master's degrees from Northwestern University, and in theological studies from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary. She is married to the Pulitzer Prize-winning, former Trib investigative reporter and author Maurice Possley. They live in Laguna Beach (not the tv show, the town), with their 10-year-old son.

Falsani was the 2005 Religion Writer of the Year, as awarded by the Religion Newswriters Association. She is also the author of the critically acclaimed book, The God Factor: Inside the Spiritual Lives of Public People. The God Factor, Falsani's first book, was published by Farrar, Straus & Giroux (know for Flannery O'Connor, Wendell Berry, Neruda and Courtney Love). Falsani's debut was named among the best non-fiction books of 2006 by the Christian Science Monitor. She also followed Bono, on a bus across America for Christianity Today.

In early 2007, Falsani left the Chicago Sun-Times as its religion reporter after 10 years on the news beat in Chicago, but continued on as the paper's religion columnist until 2010.  In 2007 she signed with the Christian publisher Zondervan (known for Dr. James Dobson, John MacArthur, Oral Roberts, Pat Robertson and Rick Warren)  for two new non-fiction books: Sin Boldly: A Field Guide For Grace — and The Dude Abides: The Gospel According to the Coen Brothers.

Wow, Falsani has managed to accomplish a lot since leaving the ivy confines, did we mention she knows Bono? But... yes, but... we here at Wheaton Heroes have organized an intervention, to help Mrs. Falsani with her future career planning because it appears that working for the liberal media has brainwashed her. (Here's who we've gathered to help with the intervention; Duane Litfin, Debbie Kay Davis, Sandi Patty & Steve Arterburn)

We've created a list of 10 things to lead her back onto the straight and narrow conservative Christian path. Where does this path lead? Well, it leads to Blanchard Hall as the guest speaker at a future chapel service, and a hug from the Wheaton President.

Cathi we are speaking from our heart here, we aren't judging you, we are just judging the liberal demons who are living inside of you.


#1. Leave Californication and return to Chicago, run, don't turn back. Dust off you flip flops and get out of Laguna. Strange, weird people live in California, just look at TBN's Jan & Paul Crouch. Nothing good comes out of LA LA land, There's a reason the sea is salty!

#2 Stop writing about pagans like the Coen twins. We evangelicals don't even know who they are, or what movies they've made. You expect us to find redemptive ideas in garbage like No Country for Old Men? Even Roger Ebert said he had to wash his eyes out with iodine after that one. Next time write about Alex & Stephen Kendrick, the Christian brothers who wrote and directed Fireproof.

#3 No Obama. NOBAMA! NOBAMA! NOBAMA! We all know that he'll say anything just to get a higher approval rating. So don't ask him about his faith, he'll just trick some lukewarm democrat Christians into thinking that he actually loves God. You're from Chicago, you know all Chicago politicians are corrupt. From here on out, you should only talk to Republicans, and preferably southern Republicans.

#4 More Bono. We love Bono, ok we like Bono. We'd love him if he would settle down and pick a church and  stop flirting with college girls. Our career advice for you is to write more, articles, books, screenplays, blogs, and anthems to the man we can all get behind. Travel to Ireland, hell, live there for awhile if it helps you set the tone.

#5 Drop the God Grrl thing. We get it already. "This day in God," ok it's cute, but God's not laughing. We suggest renaming your blog something like Your Daily Bread with Cathleen Falsani or Finding Spiritual Sprouts with Cathi. Take a cue from Beth Moore, we want it more dainty. Think Thomas Kinkade.

#6 "On My Ipod" Hello? Cathi if you ever going to be the next Joni Erickson Tada you've got to start acting like it. The Dixie Chicks? Don't you live in the U.S. of A.?. Here are 5 artists that you must have on your ipod playlist: (you can keep Johnny Cash)
- Selah (Seh no more, Nicol is a future Wheaton hero!)
- Amy Grant (oh, how I love her music)
- Michael W. Smith (or if you want to go bold, Steven Curtis Chapman)
- Toby Mac or Switchfoot (your choice)
- _ton bundle (we'll let you have that one)

#7 Dudeism. Now you got us scared. Are you still a Christian? We found this on your website... ""The Church of the Latter-day Dude," complete with Dudeist priests. (I got ordained as a Dudeist online a few years back. It took less than a minute. Legally I can preside at weddings [Dudeist or otherwise] in most states in the Union, which is a nice fallback if this writing thing doesn't work out. I'm also available for baptisms, funerals and bar/bat mitzvahs.)"

Ok, Sandi Patty is stopping to pray for you. "Does anyone have Falsani's parents phone number?, we need to bring in the big guns." - Arterburn

#8 Stop making YouTube videos like this one. Instead you should be focused on making short inspirational trailers with slides with quotations. Christians love these. If you make one they will pass it around through email like crazy, overnight you'll be an internet sensation!

#9 Three words... Women of Faith. Cathi your new goal should be to headline the Women of Faith conferences. It's owned by Thomas Nelson, so you might need to switch your publishing deal - but they sell booku books. Women just love those little anecdotal books about the right way to pray for your man, or another Bible study on the Book of Esther. Zondervan may have the genius pyro-marketing strategists, but Women of Faith is like a juggernaut of pastel purse-toting conservative women with charge cards. Cathi take our advice and you are poised to become the next Lisa Whelchel!

#10 Drop Jim Wallis like a Buckner line drive. Do we really need to tell you why? I think our friend Glen Beck has done a pretty good job exposing the lunacy over at Sojourners. We've set up an interview for you with Wick at the National Review. No hippie clothes, you need to break out the flower dress with shoulder pads.

Cathi, just take our ten steps, and you'll be back on the road to a purple & gold purpose-driven life. We are holding a place for you in the Fall 2010 Wheaton Alumni magazine. Once you admit you have a problem with liberalism, you'll be able to face it one day at a time. If Stephen Baldwin can do it, you can too! Godspeed. (HT Nomination: D.F. & D.V.)


  1. epic. i am humbled and awed.
    love and kisses,
    cathi (with an i)

  2. If Cath is a goddess and we worship her work, does that make us pagan?