Hair Cut, Brain Wash & Blow Dry. $495

You are getting very sleepy... You will listen to the rhema's in my words... You will believe everything I tell you... You will style your hair appropriately... snap! 

Bill Gothard is our "he's a beauty alright" hero! William W. (Bill) Gothard (born 1934) is an American Christian minister, speaker and writer, and the founder of the National Gothard  Beauty Institute.(We Style Hair for God's Ego, Not Ours) He received his B.A., in Biblical Studies from Wheaton College in 1957 and his M.A., in Christian Education in 1961. He also acted as executive director of Gideons International. In the 5th Grade, Gothard and his family joined a Literalist church, literally.

In 1964, Gothard was ordained and commissioned for youth work by LaGrange Bible Church in suburban Chicago. That same year, Gothard's alma mater, Wheaton College, invited him to design and teach a course based on his work with youth. The course was given the name Basic Youth Conflicts; two hours of upper-division undergraduate and graduate credit were awarded to students completing the course. Repeat this... holiness is conforming to lists of rules and regulations... repeat this... holiness is conforming to lists of rules and regulations.

The Beauty Institute has been able to serve public schools, juvenile court systems, prisons, and business and community leaders. It has become an international organization with  lots and lots of training centers in the United States and other countries. The “movement” claims to have as many as 2.5 million “alumni.” That is an astounding figure, making it one of the most pervasive influences on modern evangelicalism. Millions of people have found lasting help from his 32-hour beauty seminars.

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Here are some testimoNails:

"I no longer own Cabbage Patch dolls, because according to Gothard Beauty School my daughter could become mentally ill.  (because the dolls middle names are demonic.) - Jenny Swensen

"Because of the Gothard Beauty School I realized that the cause of breast cancer is women being angry at their mothers." - Stephanie Johnson

"The Gothard Beauty School taught me not to listen to any music after 1933 because the beat is evil, specifically Sandi Patty rock'n'roll." - Laura Lauratite

"The Gothard Beauty School told me that uncircumcised men are more promiscuous than circumcised men, also most mental illnesses including schizophrenia  are simply varying degrees of irresponsibility." - Sylvia Nikeldorn

"I've been warned through The Gothard Beauty School against adopting a child altogether, because you might be adopting one that has been cursed." - Missy Duggar

"As a head of my household, the Gothard Beauty School told me I should keep track of his wife’s menstrual cycle and use it as a reminder of the sufferings and death of Jesus" - Glen Becker

"The Gothard Beauty School has taught me that young people must allow their authorities to determine whom they will marry, and that no forms of birth control are acceptable even for use within marriage." - Dr. Phil

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Snap! Snap! Where am I? What just happened, how come I feel like I was just probed by aliens? Why am I wearing a suit? Who stole my trojans? Where did all my hair go? What's this awful music I'm listening to? How come I've got 19 kids? Help me, Yman!