Monday, July 5, 2010

Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye


Dr. Phil is our "another MAN to take the reins" hero! Philip Graham Ryken was the senior pastor of the historic Tenth Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, and, on July 1, 2010, became the eighth president of Wheaton College in Wheaton, Illinois, succeeding the retiring Duane Litfin. Ryken received a B.A. from Wheaton in 1988, an M.Div. from Westminster Theological Seminary in 1992, and a D.Phil from Oxford in 1995. He joined the pastoral staff of Tenth in 1995 and was elevated to the position of senior pastor upon the death of James Boice in 2000. He is a member of the Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals, serving as a member of the Alliance Council, which features his expository preaching on its weekly national radio and internet broadcast, Good to the Last Drop. He has written 25 books on a wide variety of Christian subjects, mostly re-purposed from his preaching series. (the ole "get paid twice for the same job" trick) Ryken is the son of Christian literary scholar and Wheaton professor, Leland Ryken, founder of the band Leland. Ryken met his wife, Lisa, while the two were students at Wheaton. They were married after their junior year. The couple have five "precious moments" children.

Now for a special message from Duane:

Dear Donors, Alumni, Students, and Faculty (in that order)

I wanted to thank you for the years of unbridled hilarity you have given me here at the college. Thanks to all of you who helped me pick a new name for our sports teams. I'm sorry we couldn't use all the great names you came up with. Some of my favorites were the "Chrousers Trousers" "the Detox", "Pussy Willow Benchers", "The Flaming Fruitcakes", The Axis of Evil Doers", "Legalistic Eagles", "The Thunder Egos."

Now there's a few things I've wanted to say but I have had to hold my forked tongue.

First, all of you faculty who are divorced and remarried. If I had my way you would be outta here. Ok, obviously not all of you, but those of you who were responsible for it, you know who you are. Say...Grace, whaaaat???? Pack it up boys. Can you say celibacy?

Second, I think you should consider removing all those spooky Catholic texts from the library. Banned books? You betcha, cha cha. If you have learned one thing from your education here, it should be to hold on tight to your evangelical worldview. Don't let the pope lead you astray (or ashtray).

Third, the drinking and dancing thing. I was never behind that. I would go back to the old covenant. It's just that to get the new science building built, we all know you gotta be willing to give in to a few crazy donors wishes. Ryken is your turn. Step up. I think we need women back in dresses with no makeup. Bring back courting traditions.

Fourth, let's get one thing straight. This next-gen-emergent-postmodern-postpagan-evangelical is bull sh*t. Rob Bell what are thinking with those rockstar videos you are making. Either be a rockstart or be a pastor don't be both. You softies make me wanna puke. The bible isn't inherent????? Homosexuality isn't wrong???? Abortion is a womans decision???? Confessionals where YOU confess to unbelievers??? You can kiss my lily whilson ass.

Christian celebritism, book deals, tv shows and megachurches what the &*@)# are you guys thinking? I think we ex-communicate all the alumni who have ever referred to themselves in the third person. I'm just giving it to you like it is... "Duane Litfin" style.

Fifth, a word to all you rich rich kids who come to Wheaton driving your fancy luxury cars, carrying your expensive purses, flying to who knows where on spring break. I'm going to box you all up and send you to Uganda, b*tches. You worldview is as dysfunctional as your parents. (yes, even the big donor parents) Don't be using Wheaten College as a platform to go climb the corporate ladder. Don't be sitting on a bunch of mission boards. We don't need your charity in the kingdom. We need your humility. It's not how much you give away turdbrains it's about how much you keep for yourself making your iphony life all cushy and nice. Come back and talk to me when your ego is driving a used a Buick.

Finally, I say good riddance to all the little BS controversies I had to deal with over the years. Why are you weak Christians so easy offended by little sh*t. Get over it already. Faculty you guys are employees. We pay you. If you don't agree then leave. Students you are still feeble minded immature kids. Wait til you get punched in the stomach a few times during your life before you come complaining about piddly stuff. Hold a baby dying of malaria, then come tell me about how the dorm shower water isn't good for your hair. Finally donors, I don't care about your agendas. I trashed your angry emails without reading them. Maybe, just maybe, God gave you resources so you could give your money to the Kingdom without strings attached. You might even consider being anonymous. We don't need anymore donor walls. Is there anything that makes your worldview different?

Alumni if you don't believe in our values anymore, I got an easy solution for you. Pretend you didn't go to school here. Just tell everyone you went to Wheaton, in Massachusetts. You'll probably end up in their commencement address.

I'm going fishing. Godspeed.

Duane Litfin

ps. I'm Likin Ryken!

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